My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
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This one’s “Alex”.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”