Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
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Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Phones down.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his