How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
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I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it