The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
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You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?