Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
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Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.