me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
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One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
we all know this pain all too well
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements