Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
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I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.