♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
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Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.