Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
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11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.