Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
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Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
translated into Canadian
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair