Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
You Might Also Like
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
the noise i just made
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.