As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
You Might Also Like
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
i wish i could marry a nap
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
😅🤣😂
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?