Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
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My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier