Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
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If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
True
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.