Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
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Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*