I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
You Might Also Like
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
“our sushi is very fresh”
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead