Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
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ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
I was up all night reading about insomnia
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!