This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
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SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
“Wait, let me explain..”
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.