My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
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Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.