Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
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[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.