I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
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ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON