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I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
Now this is how you LinkedIn
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
This took me a second..
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Nose