I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
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A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.