Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
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Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms