I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
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HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
Hamburger Hinderer.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Oh the world we live in…
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
I’m giving up for Lent.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.