me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
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Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.