My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
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Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
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Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
Netflix and awkward silence?
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Van Gone