Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
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Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Just why bro?!
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder