I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
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My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
sir, my pâté if you please
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?