*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
You Might Also Like
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.