Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
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*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.