Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
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The Wolf of Wall Street.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Home is where your toilet is.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
Whoa… oh I see lol
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.