I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
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I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
X-tra spooky blend
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
I wish this was real life…
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle