As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
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As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture