5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
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Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
he chose this
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.