This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
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Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Golf would be better with landmines.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows