My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
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Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win