me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
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Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
Bruh PLEASE
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?