Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
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Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
live, laugh, laundry.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
black phone good