my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
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The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.