Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
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Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
We found love in a hopeless place.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.