[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
You Might Also Like
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table