I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
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My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
Jupiter
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying