Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
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moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
Probably my best painting.
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.