Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
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Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
Not helping
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
going to the ER y’all need anything
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.