Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
You Might Also Like
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man