Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
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I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
In Canada they just call them geese
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge