I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
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[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?