Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
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YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”