Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
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Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally